#AskAMan is a popular segment on Bonang’s Metro fm Show, where a woman calls in with a relationship problem to ask for advice on how to handle it. This time, the caller’s man, 30 years old, does not want to go down on her. In fact, he does not do foreplay at all. No sensual kisses on the neck, nipple nibbling, munching and licking, the teasing before he actually puts it in. Nothing. Zero. At. All. He says that going down on a woman is idiotic, or something along those lines. While I was in awe of this situation happening in 2016, I quickly remembered a conversation I had with a guy friend of mine several years ago. We must have been talking about sex, I don’t quite remember the full details of the conversation, but he said that he doesn’t finger his girlfriend. He just enters her. I was appalled at such selfishness. So he just goes in without even knowing or caring if she is wet, moist and ready to be actually entered. The man thinks if he is hard then that is enough for them to have sex.

This goes back to the way were are raised as women and men and the attachments placed upon what makes us feminine and masculine. Men are taught that a woman’s body primarily exists for their pleasure. Sex between a man and a woman is about the penis entering the vagina, vagina receives it, men climaxes and it’s done. The problem lies in the narratives about sex that we are brought up with; that sex is dirty and nasty (although the dirtier the better for some people), that it’s primarily for reproductive reasons, only married people are allowed to have it, and all the other bullshit conservative ideologies. They are bullshit because they hide the fact that sex is for pleasure. Heck, I’ll even list health reasons before reproduction. The conservative narratives take away, or rather do not consider the woman’s agency. It is assumed that the woman is there ready to receive the man and then bear the child. In addition, the fact that pleasure is not highlighted as the leading reason for sex, it’s as if they don’t want women to want to have it. It’s labelled as forbidden fruit for women.

Society forever hyperventilates women’s sexuality, policing it like it is national security. Men can enjoy sex as much as they like, but women are not allowed to do the same. Obviously this speaks to the sexist “nature” of our society. Raising men to think that they can get blowjobs but do not have to finger a woman, or that oral sex is dirty, or putting a woman’s value heavily on her sexuality. We shame women that are liberated and do whatever they want outside the boundaries that are social norms and status quos. The words “whore” and “slut” primarily and by default refer to women, shaming and policing women that exercise their agency regarding their sexuality. Can society just leave women’s bodies alone? Let’s get one thing straight people, not your body, not your damn business!

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